Dispatches from the Control Room – April 2

* I hear a certain father of a colicky baby wants me to get back to work, so here I am.

* Web Czar Marcus has decreed that I start using WordPress instead of Blogger to manage this thing.  A few words in and I’m not much of a fan.  Whatever.  Duty calls.

* Monday’s show was a bit of a debacle.  Rob, Andy and Matt were live at Wrigley Field for opening day.  Technical glitches meant we couldn’t communicate with anyone on site.  If you were lucky enough to tune in to my show, you would’ve seen a photographer cleaning his camera lens and zooming around at random.  And for our second trip out there, you would’ve seen the same thing, followed by Rob and Andy’s voices coming out three seconds before their mouths moved.  Tune in for more technical snafus and chaos next Monday for the White Sox home opener.

* A few words about baseball: get over yourselves.  It’s a fine sport, but it has some serious problems.

1. Too many games.  They’ve got like 160 before you even reach the postseason.  What a joke.  What kind of sport allows you to go on a 10-game losing streak and it doesn’t matter?

2. Everyone’s on steroids.  This is true in the NFL, too, but NFL players smash into each other, which is way cooler than prissy little baseball.

3. Get a clock.  “Extra” innings?  That’s like getting detention at school and calling it “extra recess.”

4. Any sport where the All-Star game has ended in a tie needs help.

5. It’s just boring.   Really.  Stop being so boring, baseball.

* The Sun-Times informs us that some people are juggling super-long distance marriages. Really?  I thought moving to another state was a “get out of jail” free card.  In this case, “jail” refers to “marriage.”  Isn’t that why Spitzer went to D.C. to get his swerve on?

 * More parents are using text message spelling when naming their children.  Warning to all moron parents: If I ever meet anyone named “LOL,” I will punch them in their face, regardless of age.

* Research informs us the best sex lasts 13 minutes.  Hey.  I’ve got a spare 13 minutes.  Anybody?  Anybody?  (crickets)

* If you buy three or more pairs of sneakers in a year, you tend to show signs of leadership, according to one dubious study.  The only way I’d buy that many shoes is if I suddenly became a millipede.

* British team creates first human-animal hybrid embryoWhat could possibly go wrong???

* Pay-per-view funerals are available online in Great Britain.  This blog is sort of the same thing, since you’re able to watch the empty corpse of my love life decaying before you online.  Really, such atrocities are better handled closed-casket.

* Adventures in writing: Today, one of our writers composed the following sentences…

IT’S NOT CHEAP TO RETIRE.  MANY WHO HAD THOUGHT THEY COULD STRIDE INTO THER GOLDEN YEARS WITH A CUSHY NEST EGG ARE INSTEAD TRYING TO INCREASE THAT EGG.

If you know how to increase an egg, please e-mail me.

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