Dispatches from the Control Room – March 25

* I’m really starting to love new New York governor David Paterson. Not only does he admit to having multiple(!) affairs during his marriage, now he’s admitting to hard core drug use as a kid. This site has video of the interview where he admits it (if you can stomach using RealPlayer). The anchor asking the questions is Dominic Carter. Here’s how it all went down.

Carter: Marijuana?

Paterson: Yes.

Carter: Cocaine?

Paterson: Yes.

Carter: You have used cocaine Governor?

Paterson: I’d say I was about 22-23. I tried it a few times, yes.

Carter: Crystal meth?

Paterson: Sure.

Carter: Ever killed a guy?

Paterson: Uh-huh.

Carter: LSD?

Paterson: Yup.

Carter: Heroin?

Paterson: Yes.

Carter: Snorted ground-up rhino horn?

Paterson: One time in China, yes.

Carter: Ever cloned a human?

Paterson: Yes.

Carter: Stepped on a crack, broke your mother’s back?

Paterson: Twice.

Carter: Ever robbed a bank?

Paterson: Yes.

Carter: Punched a nun?

Paterson: Yes.

Carter: Used a baby as bait in a bear trap?

Paterson: Yes.

Carter: Crack?

Paterson: Yes.

Carter: Opium?

Paterson: Smoked some this morning.

Carter: Ever drag your fingernails across a chalkboard?

Paterson: Yes.

Carter: Rooted for the Cubs?

Paterson: Yes.

Carter: Sold your aides into white slavery?

Paterson: Yes.

Carter: Crunchy peanut butter or smooth?

Paterson: Can I add cocaine?

Carter: Why not?

Paterson: Crunchy.

Carter: Ever eaten dog food?

Paterson: Yes, but I’m not proud of it.

Carter: Cyanide?

Paterson: Yes.

Carter: Dressed in drag?

Paterson: All the time.

Carter: Listened to Kenny G?

Paterson: Hell, no. I’m not stupid.

* Ginger informed us that one year ago today, it was 79 degrees in Chicago. Right now, I can’t even wrap my head around 79 degrees. It’s like a bajillion dollars. What would such a thing look like? I cannot fathom it.

* Substitute anchor Anna Davlantes made the following script change today…

ORIGINAL: “Find out who’s none too happy about having to choke back this cursed culinary creation.”

DAVLANTIFIED: “Find out who’s none too happy about having to eat this stuff.”

I have never seen an anchor dodge a chance at alliteration. Next thing you know, she’ll be passing up puns. And no anchor passes up puns. Ever.

It’s okay, the Chicago Sun-Times calls her an “underrated star” with “talent and glamor,” while the Chicago Sun-Times calls me nothing, because producers aren’t rated, stars, talented or glamorous. We are merely stupid, deformed trolls who submit words for possible enunciation from the golden tongues of our anchors.

* Today this bulletin crossed the wires in the early morning hours:

ANJOUAN, Comoros (AP) — Comoros government says it has captured the capital of the rebel island of Anjouan.

I looked at that sentence for a long time. Three questions popped into my mind.

1. Comoros?
2. Anjouan?
3. Wait, isn’t one of those where the Ewoks lived?

But then I remembered the Ewoks lived on the forest moon of Endor.

I like to think of myself as a smart guy with lots of random facts in my head, but I have never, ever heard of Comoros or Anjouan. So I turn to Wikipedia, who gives us this list of “famous Comorians.” Clearly, their definition of “famous” differs from ours. And if you think Comoros is pathetic, Anjouan is merely a Republic of Comoros, so they’re even less important.

But someday I will find myself as a contestant on Jeopardy, and the final category will be “Famous Comorians,” and I will curse under my breath, knowing that my blatant disregard for them will lead to my ultimate demise.

* Mexico is now the 2nd fattest nation on the planet. Who’s number one? U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

I love that article, especially the part where a fat and oblivious man says, “I ripped my pants because of the fat.” And then, grasping at straws, he suggests, “I think I’m addicted to junk food.” Really? What was your first clue? When you started buying pants exclusively with elastic waistbands or when you started ripping them?

* Here’s something to curb any appetite: Nutraloaf. Prisoners in Vermont are being fed this garbage, which is a mixture of cubed whole wheat bread, non-dairy cheese, raw carrots, spinach, seedless raisins, beans, vegetable oil, tomato paste, powdered milk and dehydrated potato flakes. If this sounds familiar, you saw chunky pools of it outside the bars on Division Street on Saint Patrick’s Day.

* And finally, I leave you with Senator Clinton saying she “misspoke” when she said she faced sniper fire when visiting Bosnia in 1996. Video of that trip shows her being greeted by a schoolgirl when she got off the plane. And she was being followed around by Chelsea Clinton, Sheryl Crow, and Sinbad. Yes, that Sinbad.

Really, Hillary? Maybe you think Senator McCain stayed at the Days Inn during his time in Vietnam. And maybe you think Senator Obama is a lava monster who eats kittens. At this point, I don’t know what to believe. And frankly, I’m more disappointed in the fact that you hung out with Sinbad than in the fact that you told a bold-faced lie. Oh, I’m sorry… “misspoke.”

* Do they give out Pulitzers for blog posts? They should after today.

3 responses to “Dispatches from the Control Room – March 25

  1. To make a pun work,doesn’t the speaker have to realize it is a pun? Same as they have to realize a line is part of a joke and to understand that joke themselves before it can be delivered in a way that makes sense and is funny. Your current lineup should make that more possible.
    And the only time a producer gets a Feder is when said producer changes stations with a promotion or gets a promotion at the same station. Good luck. You might get a date before you get a Feder, given your current Administration.


  2. Found this little gem this morning and you, Sir, crack me up! Thanks for making me laugh :o)

  3. I did go to see Ben’s improv show on Thursday and it was really good. If anyone gets the chance they should check it out!

    At least he’s alive and well – wonder where our blogs have been?

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