* Hope you had a Happy Easter Sunday everyone. Yes, even those of you who don’t celebrate it. I hope your Sunday was lovely.
* What’s the deal with the six idiots who interrupted Sunday mass at Holy Name Cathedral by shouting and tossing fake blood on people? What are you trying to prove? That you are insensitive dopes? Mission accomplished. If you’re protesting the war, go volunteer for a campaign or march in a rally or get a tattoo or something. Don’t interrupt a peaceful worship service. If you want to interrupt a church service, do it in that creepy Kansas church that protests soldiers’ funerals. Weirdos.
* Today was Rob Elgas’ first morning on the anchor desk. He said he wanted a specific mention. I won’t give it to him until he feeds me. That’s the deal Elgas. If you want praise, I need food. Think of me as City Hall, except with food instead of Rezko Bucks.
* My best friend believes these blogs follow a pattern. That pattern? Wall-to-wall awesome.
* Supposedly, Arch Nemesis Producer Jim’s mom has been reading this blog, and she’s none too pleased with my characterization of him as a “huge jerk.” Look, Mrs. Jim’s Mom, I used to think Jim was a nice guy, but then he swindled me out of donuts. How am I supposed to get over that? If he sprang for pizza or something, I might be inclined to revise my opinion of him. But even then, I’d be wary he spat on my slices. You may not know this, but your son is a cutthroat rogue who will stop at nothing in his march to power. I mean, just this morning he taunted me by saying he spent the weekend recounting his donut theft to his girlfriend. This is doubly hurtful, because I am out the money for donuts and he’s rubbing the whole “girlfriend” thing in my face. I’m sorry Mrs. Jim’s Mom, but it could be worse. At least I’m not your son.
* Let us pause for a moment to reflect on the three drunken 21-year-olds on Spring Break who thought it would be fun to detonate a stick of dynamite at 2:30 a.m. in their hotel room. Personally, I’m sad they survived. These morons will likely go on to spawn baby morons who will grow up to detonate sticks of dynamite at other Spring Break locales. These are the same types of idiots who scream and say, “Woo” whenever a TV camera is present. They are the buyers of hemp necklaces and Rohypnol. They are the barnacles on the hull of humanity and they should be scraped off. These clowns don’t need jail time, they need vasectomies.
* Boomerangs work in outer space. Just in case you should find yourself fighting an Australian on the international space station, that’s something that’s worth knowing.
* I appreciate an intense movie-going experience as much as the next man, but I’m not down for the whole “getting stabbed during the stabbing scene” thing.
* Hyper little girls grow up to have problems as adults. Probably shouldn’t have hooked up with those dynamite throwing morons on Spring Break, Little Miss Spaz.
* Whiskey Rebellion has been granted another run at the i.O. Theater. You may come and watch me improvise if you promise to laugh heartily and refrain from screaming like the audience at the Ed Sullivan Theater during a Beatles performance (until we take our bow, then it’s fine).
+ Thursday, March 27 @ 8:00 – downstairs ($12)
+ Sunday, April 6 @ 8:00 – downstairs ($10)
+ Thursday, April 17 @ 10:30 – upstairs ($5)
+ Wednesday, April 23 @ 8:00 – upstairs ($5)
+ Wednesday, May 7 @ 10:30 – upstairs ($5)
+ Thursday, May 15 @ 10:30 – upstairs ($5)