Dispatches from the Control Room – March 19

* Welcome to all the new blog readers suckered in by our non-stop promotion this morning. Bookmark me. Love me.

* Those of you who want to see Ashley Alexandra Dupre nekkid (read: me), you’re in luck. Turns out she got a little freaky for a “Girls Gone Wild” video back in the day. The day this thing gets released, I think I’m just going to run it in place of my newscast with appropriate body parts blurred. We can run it every year on the scandal’s anniversary. It’ll be the Chicago equivalent of the Yule Log.

* New New York Governor David Patterson had multiple affairs? It’s official: an old blind dude gets more play than me. I’d gouge my eyes out to level the playing field, but I really wanna see that Dupre video.

* Dick informs me that David Archuleta knocked it out of the park last night on “American Idol.” I only caught the first two singers before heading out for the night. All I know is that Kristy Lee Cook might want to tell the band to play everything a half-note lower, since that’s where she’s singing. Yeesh.

* Director of “The English Patient,” Anthony Minghella, dies of a brain hemorrhage… which is the same thing that happened to me when I watched that boring excuse for a film.

* Miley Cyrus is officially changing her name to… “Miley Cyrus.” Her birth name is Destiny Hope Cyrus. Nice, Billy Ray. Why not just give her a pair of clear-heeled baby booties?

* In other naming news, Halle Berry named her daughter Nahla Ariela Aubry. Really? “Nahla?” She’s due to get teased by every kid in school who’s ever seen “The Lion King.” Your daughter will hate you, Halle Berry.

* One of our three cameras crashed this morning. That made for all kinds of fun for our technical crew. To try the home game of this catastrophe, poke out one of your eyes. That’s what this morning was like. Now, poke out the other eye and enjoy your Patterson-esque pull with the ladies.

* Sarah Jessica Parker is upset at being named the world’s unsexiest woman. That’s not fair. What about Camilla Parker Bowles, Kathy Bates or Greta Van Susteren? Don’t forget Shelley Duvall, Goldie Hawn or Star Jones. I could do this all day. Don’t worry, Sarah Jessica. I’ve just proven that at the worst, you’re sexier than at least six women on the planet.

* Yo, Lazynbc5junkie. All I control is the words and the pictures. Maybe when the graphics and engineering departments start a blog, you’ll be able to make your suggestions then. Until then, I stare at your comments and shrug my shoulders. You clearly know more about TV technology than I do.

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2 responses to “Dispatches from the Control Room – March 19

  1. I’m glad Dick Johnson suggested that we morning news junkies read your blog, because it is very funny, albeit mean spirited as you have already been told. Funny nonetheless.

  2. You are hilarious! Keep us posted on how that eye-gouging thing works out for you!

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