* Kiss me, I’m Irish. (As long as you’re hot.)
* A very bizarre St. Patrick’s Monday here in the NBC5 newsroom. Dick brought in a chocolate cherry pie, Zoraida was fighting a stomach bug, and we had some decent stories to cover. On Mondays, things are notoriously slow, so it’s odd we have enough to fill a legitimate show. With pie in my belly and news in my show, I was quite satisfied.
“Into the Wild” featured outstanding supporting actors, but the lead actor annoyed me a little. Sean Penn got a little self-indulgent in the editing room, too. It’s the true story of some young idiot who ran off to Alaska and died in the wilderness trying to “find himself.” The only acceptable reason to vanish from your life and run off to die in the Alaskan wilderness is if you’ve got a job working in a newsroom in the middle of the night.
* Vote online for Paris Hilton’s new best friend. I want to rig the vote so Dick ends up winning. I’d love watching the two of them hang out. It would cause a rip in the space-time continuum, since Dick is the anti-Paris.
* The bus you’re riding on goes careening out of control when the driver is knocked out. If you jump into the driver’s seat and save everyone on board, expect a detention.
* Alan Greenspan says this is the worst financial crisis since the end of World War II. I’m sorry, Alan. I couldn’t hear you over the price of everything going up.
* I’m a little peeved that “Saturday Night Live” ripped off a punchline of mine that never aired. It was in regard to the story about the Iowa town offering a $5 bounty on wild cats. To end my story, I wrote, “Our pick for the best man for the job? Dog: the Bounty Hunter.”
And on Weekend Update, Seth Myers said, “Sounds like a job for real Dog: the Bounty Hunter.”
Look, Lorne, if you’re gonna have the writers use their NBC computers to hack into my newscast so you can steal my jokes, the least you can do is hire me for real. Jerk.