Dispatches from the Control Room – March 14

* Beware the Ides of March tomorrow, kids.

* Thanks to my brilliant commenters for leaving such glowing reviews. My news director was bowled over by assertions I might be bisexual. Ka-ching!

* To the anonymous commenter who ragged on our taxi video, sometimes our file video is really, really old. Be glad Judd Hirsch wasn’t behind the wheel. You and I know we could just aim a camera out a window and come up with new video, but I’m sure there’s some sort of union rule preventing photographers from shooting new file more than once a decade.

* Today, Dick Johnson pulled Executive Producer Wendy’s ponytail. I’m not making this up.

* The artistic director of a British ballet company is looking for a dozen pregnant ladies to join in her new production. When I informed pregnant writer Jenel about this, the following conversation transpired…

Jenel: “Hey, I did ballet for 12 years. Maybe I should try out! I’ll work on my audition tape this weekend. If you don’t see me Monday, you know why.”

Me: “Good luck!”

Jenel: “Hey, I would fit perfectly. Besides the clumsy and fat part, I’d be ready to deliver by the show’s date. Bet that would bring in the money.”

Me: “Front row could wear ponchos like at a Gallagher show.”

* Our next nominee for NBC5 Father of the Year is Danield J. Collins of Muncie, Indiana. He’s nominated for forcing his 7-year-old daughter to kill the family cat with a knife.

* CBS’s Les Moonves wants someone to kill “American Idol.” Don’t worry, Les. Paula’s trying. (Does he really want everyone to watch his wife host “Big Brother” instead? I’ve seen nearly every single episode of every single season and it’s the biggest waste of my life since that year I worked at Fox.)

* Scientists say short people are most prone to jealousy. As a strapping lad of 5’8″, I can say that’s ludicrous. Although I secretly covet the anchor chair held by sasquatchian gentlemen Warner Saunders and Dick Johnson.

* Zoraida kissed me today. See? The ladies love a “sarcastic, mean-spirited, selfish nutcase.” (Correction: Married ladies love a sarcastic, mean-spirited, selfish nutcase. Single ladies? Not so much.)

* The high point of today’s show came when I was teasing a story about a girl who can do 21 different accents in the span of two minutes. I wrote the following copy for Dick: “Still ahead in this half hour, a girl with a talented tongue. And no, it has nothing to do with Eliot Spitzer.”

And because Dick was running a little late this morning, he had no chance to pre-read it until it was in the prompter. He read it live. And it was awesome.

* A bear was convicted in absentia for stealing honey in Macedonia. Good job, Macedonian legal system! All bears everywhere are on notice.

3 responses to “Dispatches from the Control Room – March 14

  1. I was NOT suggesting that you ARE bi-sexual, but that you might want to CONSIDER that as an option to increase the pool of potential datees.

    Though the need for a date for this weekend is negated by the fact that it is Palm Sunday.


  2. I’m Dick Johnson?

  3. Should we beware of the date of Julius Caesar’s assassination…or of the band that Jim Peterik (of Survivor fame) is front man for???

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