* Guys, I’ve got some great news. I’m in love. Her name is Ashley Alexandra Dupre. She’s a working girl. Here’s her picture.
Now for the bad news: she doesn’t know I exist. But if each of you could chip in a thousand bucks, I think I can finally make that elusive love connection.
* School overthrows student government vice president after he buys a bag of Skittles. That’ll teach him. Reminds me of the time in middle school I got a detention for eating a candy heart on Valentine’s Day. Seriously.
* Congratulations, Pam Babcock! By sitting on a toilet for two years and letting your skin grow over the seat, you join the sorority previously only occupied by Gayle Grinds – the woman who sat on her couch so long, her skin fused to the fabric.
* Florida will make sure you have enough toilet paper, come hell or high water.
* Sorry, air travelers, you can’t bring a skeleton on a plane.
* Holy smokes! A 90210 spinoff??? Brandon, Dylan and Steve were more my friends than my actual friends in high school. Bonus for their consistent use of all-time hot chicks, like Tiffany-Amber Thiessen and Vanessa Marcil. Negative points for trying to convince us that Tori Spelling was remotely cute. I need this show, CW Network. Don’t let me down.
* Today Zoraida informed me I am “sarcastic and mean spirited and that’s on a good day.” She also called me a “selfish nutcase.” I love Zoraida. She really gets me.
* Today is my first NBC5 performance review. I suggest you all leave lengthy comments about how great I am so I can print them and hand them to our news director. I need the extra money… ya know… to see my new girl Ashley.