Dispatches from the Control Room – March 10

* I’m feeling much better after a lovely weekend in Michigan. I got to see Lewis Black’s standup show. I wish he anchored my newscast. Still wrasslin’ with this cough, but at least I’m not shivering and wobbling around like the original stop-motion King Kong anymore.

* Bill Foster beat Republican whipping boy Jim Oberweis in a special election over the weekend. Oberweis has run for and lost nearly every elected position in this state. Jim Oberweis couldn’t win a Jim Oberweis look-alike contest.

* A 20-year-old woman apparently died after a night of “partying” as she fell down the stairs. Ladies and gentlemen, your still undefeated champion: the combination of booze and gravity.

* HealthDay reports that aggression on the job is more harmful than sexual harassment. And for the very talented among us, you can attain the double-whammy by being aggressive with your sexual harassment. The ladies love that.

* A spurned woman set fire to more than 400 cell phones she and her husband owned. Here’s how you know if you have too many cell phones: you can set fire to 400 of them and still be able to call someone.

* I love how Hillary and Bill are hinting, not so subtly, that Obama could take the VP spot if he wanted it. What do you think goes on in the Clinton war room? Do they just come up with the most outrageous scenario and give it a spin? (“I know! Let’s tell him all the ‘cool kids’ are dropping out to declare themeselves eligible for the NFL draft. He’s sure to fall for that one!”)

* I saw 50 degrees in the forecast. I nearly cracked a smile.

* The Oregon Urology Institute urges you to get a vasectomy and use the recovery time to watch the NCAA Men’s Basketball tournament. With your snipped reproductive organ, you’ll get a recovery kit, including sports magazines, free pizza delivery and a bag of frozen peas (for the swelling). They call it “Snip City,” but I think “March Sadness” is more appropriate.

* More baseball teams are offering “all you can eat” tickets, so you can shove as many concessions down your throat as you see fit. All I can eat of stadium concessions is zero. That stuff is beyond nasty.

* Economists think Chicago’s new 10.25% sales tax might make people reluctant to buy things here. Really? I think economists should have to donate 10.25% of their salary to the county when they tell us something we already know. I’m guessing a 15% sales tax would cut into shopping even more, but I’m no economist.

2 responses to “Dispatches from the Control Room – March 10

  1. You should take advantage of the Oregon Urology Institute’s deal. Get a crew to cover you from beginning to end (of the procedure). Some places offer a discount if you come into the operation pre-shaved, if $$ is tight.
    Not only a great participatory journalism story (George Plimpton never got this involved) but as a humane gesture to the world by not creating another grumpy balding redhead.
    You might even get a “date” you didn’t have to pay for after the story airs.

  2. Date-smate. I’m talkin’ Nobel Peace Prize!!!

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