Eulogy from the Control Room – March 5

* Day five of this godforsaken cough/fever/congestion combo. All I ate yesterday was oatmeal, applesauce and a little ice cream. On my way in to work, I stopped at McDonald’s to get a Shamrock Shake. The man helping me was named “Jesus.” Seemed like a sign. But alas, I had forgotten in the 20-some years since I last had a Shamrock Shake that Shamrock Shakes taste like industrial-grade cleaning products. Thanks a ton, Jesus.

28-weeks-later-poster* I think I’ve narrowed my diagnosis to one of the following diseases:

1. Alien chest-burster.

When the Alien embryo is fully matured to the state where it can’t get any further evolved, it “bursts” out of its host through the ribcage, using its teeth and its hard head to punch a hole. This results in a very violent death of the victim, and quite a lot of blood sprayed all over the place.

2. Rage Virus.

Symptoms of the virus include violent behavior, muscular spasms in the limbs, blood shot eyes and vomiting blood. The infected never act in self preservation and are driven to infect or kill others through biting. As they are not “undead” as other zombies, the infected can be killed by conventional means though killing an infected person may be made more difficult by their adrenaline enhanced strength, endurance, and disregard for pain and their own well being.

3. Pon farr.

Vulcan males go into heat every seven years, going into a blood fever, becoming violent, and finally dying if they do not mate with someone with whom they are empathically bonded. This is pon farr.

4. Vampirism.

I might be a vampire.

5. Project Blue/Captain Trips.

Stage One has no frank symptoms, although the victim is infectious. Blood pressure shows unusual variations, and “wagon wheel” incubator cells are present in the sputum.

Stage Two resembles the common cold, with mild symptoms such as nasal discharge, sneezing and coughing. A low-grade fever may be present. Many characters in this stage do not limit their activities; they continue to shop, travel, or work, spreading the disease.

Stage Three at the start may resemble asthma, bronchitis, influenza, or mononucleosis. The cold-like symptoms of Stage Two become more severe. Chills, high fever, swollen lymph glands, dizziness, weakness, and painful urination develop. Most characters in this stage go to bed or try to see a doctor. Late in this stage, the illness becomes more like pneumonia; a few characters show delirium just before entering the fourth, terminal stage.

Stage Four resembles pneumonia, bubonic plague and, in some cases, hemorrhagic fever. Breathing becomes difficult and there is much swelling in the face, neck and groin. Swollen areas turn purple, then black. There is much discharge of mucus, which may be bloody. Fever is extremely high, and delirium is common. Characters in this stage are immobilized in most—but not all—cases; as in the earlier stages, any caregiver will be infected unless he or she is immune. Death is usually caused by respiratory failure.

* Always a slave to my commenters, I lugged my camera over to Studio 5 and squeezed off a few shots with my remaining strength. I’ll try to post them later this week, so lazynbc5junkie can finally get off my back. As I sat there steadying the camera against my trembling (yet still masculine) frame, I realized that anyone can see the entire studio just by looking through our windows. So if you really want a good look, the address is 401 N. Michigan Avenue. And you can take all the pictures you want.

* maneatr1999 says most men have “women on the backburner.” This from a woman who’s nicknamed herself “man eater.” Ironic. And what’s with the “1999”? Is that a body count?

* Yesterday was good for Hillary, bad for those of us who are sick of this never-ending primary circus. There’s something about Hillary’s public speaking/shouting voice that hits a nerve with me. It sounds like the ladies who used to supervise my elementary school recesses singling out one of us for punishment.

* Brett Favre retired yesterday. He’ll still throw more touchdowns next year than Rex Grossman and Kyle Orton combined.

* This article has tips to help you get some sleep. Tip #1 – don’t produce a newscast at 4:30 a.m.

* Zoraida finally got around to watching “The Shawshank Redemption” DVD I gave her back in November. That’s when she realized she had, in fact, previously seen it. (Sigh.) I asked Zoraida what her favorite movie was and she had no answer. Perhaps you can leave a comment with a movie you think Zoraida would like. Let’s help this poor woman find a favorite movie!

* This will be my last blog post because I am going home, propping my front door open, lying in bed and calling the Cook County Coroner to notify him where to find my body. It’s only a matter of hours before I finally succumb.


5 responses to “Eulogy from the Control Room – March 5

  1. maneatr1999

    Wowza! You’ve got me pegged! But,alas, the 1999 is not a body count. It’s actually the year I graduated high school. I wish I was clever enough to come up with the maneater name on my own, but I guess my victims really have a sense of humor. LOL

  2. Traffic Guy

    I’d say Office Space, start her there with Ron Livingston and company. That’s if we’re doing a comedy.

    Drama? How about a Russell Crowe two-fer with Gladiator and A Beautiful Mind. Length would be a concern though.

  3. Maneatr1999 (love the name): Thank you for the comment yesterday. While I agree with you (fresh air and a ballgame might do him some good), Ben has yet to comment on that. I’m beginning to think he’s all talk and no action when it comes to finding a date. LOL

    Zoraida: I can’t say that I have one “favorite” movie but there’s always the classics like “Wizard of Oz” or “Sound of Music” (two of my favorites). A few of my other favorites are “While You Were Sleeping”, “The Wedding Date”, and “Airforce One”. I’m sure Ben will have something to say about this. LOL

    Ben: First, you need to stop picking on maneatr1999. She is right – men always have women on the backburner. Secondly, my feelings are hurt – you said you had no appetite for chicken soup but you managed to eat applesauce, oatmeal, ice cream and a shamrock shake. Did you really think you’d feel better by eating that? LOL

    Hope you’re feeling better soon!

  4. Come on Jakki- first a clean water bottle and then FRESH air! That’s practically a death wish!

  5. Uh Oh – no blog today. I hope our morning producer is o.k. and didn’t succumb to one of the diseases.

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