Dispatches from Quarantine – March 4

* If it’s possible, I might be even more sick today. This is day four of my battle with the Grim Reaper. I spent the morning slumped over my keyboard, bleating like a wounded calf.

Predictably, the Greek Comment Chorus has no sympathy. maneatr1999 points out that I have no woman to “kiss it and make it better.” If I did, she’d kiss it, contract the same skull-crushing virus and then she’d hate me for a week while she tries to shake it.

lazynbc5junkie could care less about my imminent death, instead posting twice(!) about his demand for Studio 5 pictures. I’ll jump right on that as soon as I’m released from the iron lung my doctor prescribed.

Anonymous ignored everything I wrote just to drop a generic compliment about the show, which is nice, but gives me little comfort as I convulse in agony.

Jakki is offering me chicken soup, but I have no appetite. All I need is a pint of NyQuil and about 48 hours of sleep… and maybe a visit from an exorcist.

* 77 percent of U.S. employees say they work harder than their boss. This is certainly not true of my boss, Executive Producer Wendy. She does all the heavy lifting while I spend hours each morning looking for news bulletins about monkey attacks.

* Today brings big primaries in Ohio and Texas. Is anyone else sick of the Barack and Hillary Show? I’m bored with the “ready on day one,” “change we can believe in,” same-old, same-old. Come up with a new slogan. Tear each other’s throats out. Make it interesting. I want one or the other to just start making up random accusations about arms smuggling or illegitimate children. It is going to be a long hard slog until November, folks.

* Staying on the false accusation beat, did you catch “60 Minutes” on Sunday? Steve Kroft interviewed a few shut-in hillbillies who live in a cave in Ohio somewhere. A grown man looked at this seasoned reporter from the most respected TV news program in history and said he was hesitating to vote for Obama because… well… let’s let him tell it.

Yokel: “Well, I’m hearin’ (Obama) doesn’t even know the National Anthem, you know. He wouldn’t use the Holy Bible. He’s got his own beliefs, got the Muslim beliefs. Couple issues that bothers me at heart.”

Kroft: “You know that’s not true.”

Yokel: “No. I’m just… this is what I’ve been told.”

How is this man allowed to vote? Is he licensed to drive a car? Has he procreated? Nice to know this country still allows for life, liberty and the pursuit of blissful ignorance.

* If I could have been anywhere Saturday night, I would have been at the Chuck E. Cheese in Natick, Massachussetts. Because I would have seen this. And I would still be laughing today.

* “American Idol” contestant David Hernandez spent a few years stripping at a gay-themed dance club. Had Paula seen this, I think she would have characterized it as “magical” as tears streamed down her face and cartoon penguins danced in a circle around her head.

* The CW Network is laying off 25-30 employees as part of a restructuring that includes the elimination of its comedy department. In other news, the CW Network had a comedy department.

* According to this article, 1 in 5 married couples has sex less than 10 times a year. Hey, could be worse. They could be me.

* In this ridiculously long article, a professional matchmaker claims to be able to tell women what they’re doing wrong on the dating scene. Oddly, she leaves out the part where those girls agreed to go out with me in the first place. Apparently, that’s a big no-no.

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6 responses to “Dispatches from Quarantine – March 4

  1. lazynbc5junkie

    Hehehe…I do hope you feel better!

    I do blame the water bottle!(maybe the water bottle was Jim’s idea and he gave it to Wendy to give to you…..conspiracy my friend!)

    And can I catch what you got just by reading your blog? Because as I read the blog about you being sick….that very same day my body begins to shut down. Coincidence? I THINK NOT!

    FEEL BETTER MAN!

  2. Good to see that you care for your fellow workers and the extra work that they’d have to do if/when you call in sick/dead. Too few folks of your tender years have that kind of work ethic.
    Remember that when they call in sick after they’ve caught the Crud you have now.
    BikeBoy5

  3. I say take Jakki up on the soup offer and if you can round up that exorcist, have him go to the Cubs game with Jakki. If the Cubs have a winning season, well.. I smell hero!!!!

  4. Hey – I offered to bring over chicken soup – if that’s not showing some sympathy then I don’t know what would.

    You keep telling us how sad your love life is so you can’t get upset when one of us brings it up. Of course if you weren’t such a downer about your love life then maybe things would improve – LOL.

    You need to take a positive spin on what maneatr1999 said. If you had someone to “kiss and make it better”, if she was a nice person she wouldn’t hate you for catching what you had – she would want you to give her the same loving care and nurse her back to health like she did for you.

    If you’d prefer NyQuil over chicken soup I’d be happy to bring that to you. :-) (Is that being sympathetic enough?)

  5. Anonymous – you are a funny one! LOL

  6. Misery loves company.. this is why he’s a downer about his love life. No worries, I’m sure he’s got women on the backburner.. most guys do! What our zippy producer needs to do is take Jakki up on her offer to see the Cubbies!!!

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