Dispatches from the Control Room – February 26

* Comment Crew, welcome Meag. She enjoys laughing at someone else’s career mishaps. As do I, Meag. As do I.

* It’s another snow day today, and y’all know how I feel about those. Of course something always goes wrong on days like today. They called in a crew to do a live shot in my show and the carbon monoxide light came on in the live truck. Rather than huff down a healthy dose of CO or roll down a window, the crew mutinied, overthrew my live shot and forced Kim to report via the phone. So everyone back here scrambled and recoded the show so HAL-9000 could understand the plan.

BUT… at the last minute, some miracle occurred and Kim was ready to go live as originally planned. Our coding crew scrambled once again to go back to the first coding.

And then as we prepared to go to her during the show, some light blew out and she was off-center in the frame.

When stuff like this happens, it makes me wish I had been riding in a carbon monoxide-filled van so I could pass out and spend a few days in the hospital avoiding more TV calamities.

* No one watched the Oscars. Maybe they should go back to the stupid shadow puppets from last year.

* Congratulations to my home state of Michigan, the worst place to find a job in the entire United States.

* Buddhist monk killed by runaway lawnmower. And you thought their demonstrations during Vietnam were dramatic…

* Today we aired this story about Mexican brides and grooms having to pay the other if they decide to break the engagement. Zoraida flatly declared she “didn’t get it.” That’s my show: News to Confuse.

* Executive Producer Wendy wants me not to divulge any more details of our lackluster love lives. She suggests spinning yarns about how popular we are with the opposite sex. To be fair, I’ve seen Wendy literally beating men away with a stick… although some of those men were just pedestrians and Wendy was having an extraordinarily bad day at the time.

* CNN.com brings us an old article from Oprah.com – Ten Guys Women Should Run From. How very helpful of Pam Houston, the author. Shall I rattle off Ten Women Guys Should Run From?

1. The woman who watches Oprah every day (and reads her website and magazine and pamphlets and manifestos…)

2. The Crazy Cat Lady.

3. Any woman who owns a pair of sweatpants with the word “Juicy” on the butt.

4. The collector of ceramic hobo clowns.

5. Any former contestant on VH-1’s “Rock of Love”

6. Ann Coulter.

7. The 480-pound woman who sat on her couch for six straight years until her skin grafted to the fabric.

8. Lauren, from last night’s episode of “Moment of Truth.”

9. The fake intern who blogs about her use of metal sex toys.

10. Britney Spears.

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2 responses to “Dispatches from the Control Room – February 26

  1. Maybe even you could get a date with a fat terrorist…male or female, you shouldn’t be too picky anymore.
    BikeBoy5

  2. Judging your recent posts, it sounds like your having trouble getting girls.

    So, instead of attacking me, why don’t you stop by for some advice sometime?

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