* The first of my two top secret projects aired today. I’m fairly pleased with the outcome, considering that to do them, I had to walk through hell over broken glass with bare feet after a molten tar truck driven by angry vultures overturned, enraging a colony of fire ants with a taste for human eyeballs.
* Gary Coleman says he’s secretly married. Nobody secretly cares.
* Obama, Japan is rooting for Barack Obama to sail into the White House. Meanwhile, Clinton, Uganda is staring blankly at Katie Couric, feigning optimism.
* A couple girls from the newsroom spent a few minutes cutting a donut in half so they wouldn’t have to eat the whole thing. That bothers me. Quit pretending those 100 extra calories matter and shove the whole thing in your face. No one wants your leftover half-donut. You touched it.
The only worse food faux pas is committed by those jokers who dab their pizza with a napkin to soak up all the grease. Newsflash: it’s pizza. A little grease won’t kill you. But I will, if I see you dabbing your slice.
* Chinese leader Mao Zedong once offered Henry Kissinger 10 million Chinese women to take back to the U.S. You are a stronger man than I, Mr. Kissinger.
* Alabama man shoots himself to gain sympathy from his family. I tried this before my high school reunion to impress the girl who snubbed me for the prom. Nothing impresses the ladies quite like an oozing flesh wound.
* Science says socially awkward people make better long-term lovers. Thanks, Science. Now tell that to a couple hot chicks.
* Looking to cure your pre-Valentine’s Day boredom? Come see me improvise. Whiskey Rebellion performs tonight at 10:30 in the upstairs theater at the i.O. Theater. Tickets are $5.