Dispatches from the Control Room – January 15

* Today was our first broadcast in HD. I kept screaming at the anchors all morning, telling them to look prettier. Our high-def viewers will accept nothing less than flawless faces.

* Another weird aspect of the HD world: every producer is supposed to have his/her own headset. They could’ve thought this up before the Great Lice Outbreak of ’07, but noooooo…

* Inherent with any new technology is the infamous “ghost in the machine.” Unfortunately, those ghosts were playing all kinds of tricks with my show, jacking around with my videotapes and graphics. I hope this happens every day, because I have hours and hours of downtime I can use to talk to people I don’t know about technical problems I don’t understand.

* Iraq thinks they’ll need our military help until 2018. Enjoy that, next commander-in-chief.

* Drinking more expensive wine enhances your enjoyment thereof. I should charge a fee for you to read this blog so you think it’s funnier than it really is.

* This story about Clay Aiken makes me hurt inside. Everything about it is wrong on so many levels.

* You know that Texas guy who ate his girlfriend? PETA is recommending the guy have a vegetarian diet while in prison. Way to be stupid, PETA. Just for that, I’m eating an extra animal tonight.

* Web Czar Marcus wants to give me a webcam. Why? So you can watch me type? Nobody’s that lonely, are they? The only people I know with webcams are scantily-clad fictional women who proposition me on MySpace.

* Yesterday, Bob Sirott said the Chicago Spire resembles “a cheese stick.” Really, Bob? Show me this restaurant of yours that serves drill bit-shaped cheese sticks.

* I’m excited to spend this Saturday watching my Pistons beat your Bulls at the United Center. I’m not excited to come back from that game in what Tom Skilling predicts will be wind chills as low as -30 degrees. But we all know Tom Skilling is a liar. I trust Andy Avalos and only Andy Avalos. We have long chats on the phone and he gives me stock tips, advice on my love life and hints at Scrabble.

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One response to “Dispatches from the Control Room – January 15

  1. Wow – I didn’t know Andy Avalos was that good on giving all that advice. You’re right – Tom Skilling is a liar and I only trust Channel 5 for the weather. There’s only one thing though – knowing the comments you’ve made about your love life I might consider consulting someone else. (ha ha)

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