Dispatches from the Control Room – January 9

* Zoraida is back. You can relax now.

* Today we learned that Dick paid $2,500 for a car in the 1970s, and he learned of Hillary’s primary victory by a post-it note on his vanity. When you want to know obscure trivia about local TV news personalities, tune to NBC5.

* Hillary won. I like how she said that by listening to New Hampshire voters, she “found her voice.” Um, if you have to listen to someone else to figure out what to say, you’re not saying it, you’re parroting it. I’m thinkin’ Mitt Romney needs to start crying for the cameras. Couldn’t hurt.

* Love the story about the guy who sent a severed, bloody cow head to the guy sleeping with his wife. What makes it an even better story is that he reconciled with her. Wow. I’d like to meet a woman like that.

* A St. Louis-area suburb wants to ban swearing in bars. This would never work in Michigan. Every Lions game is a non-stop torrent of profanity.

* Another great story: A guy trying to steal knives from a store near my hometown shoves them down his pants, trips, falls, and impales himself. I generally try to keep cutlery out of my drawers, but that’s just me.

* This survey about women and their weight blows my mind.

To reach their ideal weight…

… 23% would spend a week in jail.
… 23% would shave their head.
… and 21% would trade 10 years of life.

Ladies, let’s talk for a minute. We men don’t mind if you’re a little heavy or a little light. Just make us a nice meal and make out with us. Do that, and you can keep those 10 years of life. You look great, just the way you are… unless you’re one of those weird-lookin’ chicks from the Dove ads.

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One response to “Dispatches from the Control Room – January 9

  1. I wish other guys shared your thought but I’m thinking you should probably survey the male gender to see if they share your feelings (LOL). In today’s dating world men want you to cook, make out with them AND have a barbie doll figure (that’s a lot of pressure on a woman especially when you’ll probably never hear from them again – LOL). I can understand why some women would go to extremes although I can’t say any of those would be my choices to reach my ideal weight.

    Tell you what – you show me a guy that doesn’t care what a girl’s weight is and I’ll give you my number to pass along to him. LOL

    When’s the next improv show?

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