Dispatches from the Control Room – January 4

* The farmers have spoken: Obama wins! Obama wins! Obama wins!

Journalists are supposed to be impartial, but we live in Chicago, and you must vote Democratic just to be allowed within city limits. Some unnamed people spent the morning doing cartwheels in the newsroom.

I’d only do cartwheels if Mike Gravel won. That dude is nuts, and I love it. At the first Democratic debate back in April, they guy was screaming at everyone like my Uncle Steve at Christmas Eve.

We highlighted Gravel’s instability on the dearly departed “Barely Today.” Check the following quotes, and imagine them said through clenched teeth:

“I was beginning to feel like a potted plant standing over here.”

“Who are we afraid of? Who are you afraid of, Brian? I’m not!”

“Osama bin Laden must’ve been rolling in his blankets!”

“Who the hell are we gonna nuke? Tell me, Barack!”

Mike Gravel is best known for his viral political ad where he stares down the camera, says nothing, and throws a rock in a lake.

But YouTube has a million great Gravel clips, like the one where he debates a video of Hillary Clinton. That’s like when my grandpa yells out advice to Rex Grossman during a Bears game. It’s cute, but sad.

Somehow, Mike Gravel was actually a senator from Alaska. But Alaskan senators are always mentally fragile. Take Senator Ted Stevens, who taught us that “the internet is a series of tubes.” (Stevens is also the genius behind the infamous “Bridge to Nowhere.”)

I’m interested to see who’d win a presidential primary in Alaska. Judging by the voters’ track record, probably a stuffed squirrel or a block of cheese.

* Someone too crazy even for the voters of Alaska: Britney Spears. The pop tart went haywire when Kevin Federline showed up to take custody of their kids and the cops showed up. Because she appeared to be under the influence of something, they dragged her off to the hospital.

Britney, how messed up do you need to be for Kevin freaking Federline to be the more responsible parent? Knock it off, get hot again and go back on MTV so we have something to talk about.

* “Yo momma so fat, your cousin uses her underwear as a fire blanket.”

* Two important developments in the ongoing human-monkey war: Monkeys will pay for sex (something not even I have stooped to) and India is using unemployed kids to sterilize monkeys. Man, I thought corn detasseling was a crummy job for a kid…

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