Dispatches from the Control Room – November 16

* The day started on a high note as I rolled in from a triumphant improv show last night. This provides me the perfect opportunity to shill for my team. Check the calendar here and scope the performances for Whiskey Rebellion. I won’t be around for the show next Wednesday, but you can catch me Thursday, November 29. The theater is practically next door to Wrigley Field. Come. Laugh.

* The day improved as I learned our executive producer left pizza money for a second Friday in a row. I’m going to go to the Vatican to get her in line for sainthood now.

* For the second day in a row, we could not find the morning sports tape. That means more work for me. Hooray.

* In place of sports, I selected a story about the average American. The average American gets 8 hours, 38 minutes of sleep. This seems hard to believe when you work a shift like mine. Maybe they count people in comas. There have to be at least two coma victims per morning news producer.

The average American takes 18 to 36 minutes to eat breakfast. I’ve eaten breakfast maybe twice this year. So on those days I don’t eat, there must be some guy bellied-up to the trough at Old Country Buffet, spending hours shoveling food in his face like Mr. Creosote from Monty Python’s “The Meaning of Life.”

The average American takes 25 minutes to get to work. To offset the decades spent in Chicago traffic, there must be millions of people who work at home, who just walk from their beds to their computers.

Americans spent $155 billion on alcohol last year – enough for every person to consume 7 bottles of liquor, 12 bottles of wine and 230 cans of beer. (Or as Lindsay Lohan calls it, “breakfast with Courtney Love.”)

* Zoraida informed us that she’s a little hoarse today. I believe it’s payback for dissing me last week in favor of a platypus. (See yesterday’s entry.)

* A story I didn’t run today was the unveiling of a Crocodile Hunter statue in front of an Australian zoo. It depicts Steve Irwin with his wife and two kids, all of them holding a crocodile. I’m soliciting donations to put a statue of a stingray next to it.

* A story I had to kill out today: The Chicago Park District held tryouts yesterday for a “Granny Basketball League.” target=”blank” It uses rules from the 1920s, with six players on each side, and players can only dribble twice before passing. Expect the team of grandmothers to be heavily favored in today’s scrimmage against the 1-and-6 Bulls.

* Okay, I’m going to back home, pack, meet Zoraida for that long-delayed breakfast, then go back home to Michigan for the weekend. Try to entertain yourselves until Monday, people. Leave me a haiku in the comments, expressing your gratitude for my blog.

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