Dispatches from the Control Room – November 14

* This blog is gaining universal acclaim. Too bad the only people in that universe are my coworkers. No one else reads this, do they?

* NBC5’s Web Sultan suggests adding my picture to this page. One catch: the picture is supposed to show me “rumpled and unshaven.” Nothing I like better than looking vaguely homeless on a website accessible to anyone. (See also: yesterday’s futile plea for attractive, single, wealthy women to contact me.)

* Today was an unusually busy news day. I built my show early, then spent the next few hours tossing out good stories for better, fresher stories. This is known in the news business as “annoying.”

* I’m glad we got to air the warning about savage Indian monkeys today. We went 24 hours without alerting the general public to the danger.

And as a bonus, we had two other wonderful monkey stories. One involved monkeys who chewed coffee beans, only to spit them out. A coffee farmer tried brewing them, only to find they tasted better. I take all my meals to the Lincoln Park Zoo so I can have the monkeys pre-chew my food.

The other story taught us that monkeys can show jealousy. This is evident to anyone who’s seen “King Kong.” You know who else can show jealousy? Lonely, bitter, soon-to-be-photographed-looking-awful producers of 4:30 a.m. newscasts.

* Sandra Day O’Connor’s husband, who is stricken with Alzheimer’s disease, has taken a shine to a new girlfriend at the facility where they’re both being treated. I’ve gone through the same thing, except without the marriage, or the Alzheimer’s, or the career as a Supreme Court justice. Love is fickle. Sandy knows what I’m talkin’ about.

* More than 1 million cases of chlamydia were reported in the United States last year — the most ever reported for a sexually transmitted disease. Congratulations, chlamydia! I knew you could do it.

* And finally, used condoms are being recycled into hair bands in southern China. Don’t ask what they use for hair gel.

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