Bong Cat

* Today is 3/3/09.  That’s a Square Root Day. They only occur nine times a century – about as often as I can talk to a woman without her Macing me.

* I woke to the sound of a jackhammer yesterday around 1 p.m.  It continued to drone for at least nine hours.  What the heck is going on outside my building?  Unless someone’s digging for the Ark of the Covenant, I don’t know what’s so important that a crew would be drilling in the dead of winter.

* Today Zoraida called me a “selfish slut.”  I’m having business cards printed tomorrow.

* Get elected, defraud your state, get tossed from office… and land a six-figure book deal. Makin’ money the Blago way.  (Previously: Blago rap.)

* How do we feel about the word “meh”?  I’m a fan.  It expresses indifference pretty darn well.  Some people are not fans.

* Is it possible to learn to be naked without shame? Scientists think so.  But I’m gonna say a lot of people deserve to be ashamed of their bodies.  Not everyone can have the physique of Andy Avalos.  (Bonus: click the video on that link to see whether women prefer shaved or hairy chests.  Ladies, weigh in with a comment.)

* What’s up with dudes wearing tight pants? I cannot.  For one, the anaconda refuses to be smothered.  Secondly, I have massive, womanly thighs that will not fit in such Jagger slacks.

* Remember my hero’s quest to eat nothing but bacon for the entirety of February?  The final day brought this shocking development…

* Don’t update your Facebook status to let everyone know how boring work is.  You will be fired for it.

* This morning I had the unfortunate experience of standing between three women discussing their respective experiences with childbirth – specifically where they got stitches.  I am typing this in the fetal position.

* A story sure to hit home with those pot heads from last week: A guy trying to calm his cat shoved it inside his bong. Upon emerging, the cat asked (with poor grammar) for a cheeseburger.

* Spastic kindergartners grow up to be gamblers. When I went to Gull Road Elementary, most of my class was huge into Russian Roulette.  I lost friends, but I won a bundle.

* If you rename vegetables something exciting, kids are more apt to eat them. Kinda like how “Detroit Lions” sounds more exciting than “Group of Weak, Clumsy Men.”

* Young German people would choose their cell phones or internet access over their cars or romantic partners.

But 100% of them would give up everything to watch David Hasselhoff sing “Hooked on a Feeling” in person.

* Enjoy 5 mistakes job seekers make. The biggest mistake is the same one I make when seeking a date: Hope.  Don’t bother.

* God’s telephone number in the Netherlands is +316-4424-4901.  Why does an omnipresent being require voicemail?

* From the Stuff I Never Knew Department… You can’t recycle a pizza box if it has cheese or grease on it. But if you get a pizza and the grease hasn’t infiltrated the cardboard, I don’t know why you’d even bother eating that garbage.

And speaking of grease, I need to say that the most annoying thing a human can do is to dab a napkin on their pizza.  Eat the grease.  Eat it.  Even if it shaves a day off your life with every slice.  Eat the pizza, you big jerk.