Dispatches from the Control Room – November 13

* Dear viewer, there’s an issue that’s very close to my heart: Monkey attacks. (click here)

Sure, Pakistan seems to be on the verge of civil war, and they’re a nuclear power teetering toward the grasp of Al Qaeda. But India is their neighbor, and MONKEYS ARE ATTACKING.

Monkeys are known for their short tempers and unrealistic political philosophies. And if the monkeys are organizing their efforts in India, it won’t be long before they take their monkey show on the road. You and everyone you care about could be at risk of monkey attack.

Just remember, you were warned here first.

* This morning we re-ran a story about young, wealthy women who have trouble finding someone to date because they make more than most men.

A few words about that…

Where are these women and what are their phone numbers?

I work in television news. And I unwisely agreed to a contract that pays me per viewer, per day. Not a good strategy when you produce a newscast that airs during most people’s REM cycle. You try surviving in Chicago on $3 a day.

But by shining my anchors’ shoes and washing the general manager’s car, I somehow rise above the poverty line by the end of the year.

I am also single. Why? Perhaps all these women have a problem dating someone of my limited economic means. Or perhaps my meager salary is not nearly as big a problem as my tendency to curl into the fetal position around available girls. But I’m pretty sure it’s one of those things.

The wealthy women in our story assert there are “slim pickings” when it comes to men. And I stand proudly and say that if any of these women would be willing to put up with an impoverished, socially-crippled TV producer who works the graveyard shift and still owns action figures… the pickings would not be so slim.

(Leave your phone number in the comments. My calendar is open. Wide open.)